So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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