i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
