Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
