i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
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You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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