i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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