it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
birth control should be required to get into college
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
