Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
