Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
