the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm getting married
To pizza
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your penis caused this!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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