if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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