Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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