There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
