I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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