got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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