This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
