I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
