Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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