I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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