I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
