Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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