I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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