apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I need moral support for this bender
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
