Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
