Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
