god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
