I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
