And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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