Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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