2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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