I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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