So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
