youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
