I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
