Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
