Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
