If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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