Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
