I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
