Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
