He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im six kinds of drunk right now
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
