If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
