Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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