she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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