I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
