sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
