Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
