i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
