we have pet lesbian snakes
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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