just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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