I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
