He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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