when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
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These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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