i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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